Joke for the day

[crazyhorse]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.


A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

[crazyhorse]

The Preacher Desmond Decoux woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So… he told to his Assistant that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day.
As soon as the Assistant left the room, Preacher Decoux headed out of town to a golf course about thirty kilometers away.
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Almighty God while looking down from Heaven and screamed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Almighty God sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Preacher Decoux hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was an impossible 430 yard shot, hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at God and asked, “Why did you let him make that amazing shot?”
The Almighty God smiled and answered, --------------------- “Who’s he going to tell”????????

[crazyhorse]

Grammar Lesson
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world .

[Thipdar]

I heard about the new trucks that are 2-wheel-drive, yet they're advertising them as "four by four"s.

Apparently, they are referring to the size of the truck's BED...

[Thipdar]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.


A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Years ago in Albany, Oregon, there was a sign on a radiator shop saying "The best place in town to take a leak"

I've also seen a drain-clearing plumber's truck that proclaimed "A good flush beats a full house!"

[crazyhorse]

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toed.

Why can't the flower ride his bike?
Because he lost his pedals

What do trees drink?
Root Beer

What is the best kind of guy to meet?
A fungi

What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots!

What kind of flower looks like it just came back from a fight?
A Black-Eyed Susan

[crazyhorse]

My buddy stopped by.
He said his wife ran off with a guy from a car rental company.

Me: Hertz?

Him: Yeah it does, he started crying.

[crazyhorse]

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another freeloader , He has no job, he has no plans,

and he thinks I'm God."

[crazyhorse]

Shut the door , you are letting the flies in.

I live in the South where lightning bugs use their blinkers more than drivers.

I don't use drugs & I don't drink, at my age I get the same effects by standing up fast.

There is an old saying, "if you can not sleep at night, it is because you are still awake.

Heat causes things to expand, so I am not fat, just hot.

I know why frogs are so happy, they eat what bugs them.

[crazyhorse]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.
The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning.
I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.
Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off , so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back.
The driver got out.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned.
They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened.
If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[crazyhorse]

ALWAYS REMEMBER IF YOU WANT TO MAKE PERFECT CHILLI EVERY TIME ,ONLY USE 239 BEANS.

If you add one more bean it will be TOO FARTY.

[crazyhorse]

This is not exactly a joke , but makes us think.

Name one item that we can grow in the garden to:
feed the cows,
plant in the garden,
we can eat,
we can drink.





Answer
a watermelon - the juice to drink, the pulp to eat, the seeds to plant in the garden, and the rind to feed the cows!

[crazyhorse]

...

You said you love spending time with your children....
..The first day back to school determined ---------that was a lie.